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Star Wars Rebels
Star Wars Rebels is a TV Show aimed at young children, but adults everywhere are being told that this show is "Great" and that it is "better than the Prequels" and in a few cases that this show is "Better than the Original Trilogy!" they are being told these things Via subliminal messages which are being administered by Disney. So now Adults everywhere are praising this show like it's something great. The show was initially created by the Certified Destroyer of Continuity and Franchises's: Dave Filoni but production of Rebels was taken over by Disney because the show was not "kid-friendly enough". Set Five years before Episode 4, the show follows a group of 2 teenagers, 1 Astromech droid and 3 young adults smuggling things past the Imperials who are portrayed as idiots and generic school yard bullies. These people call themselves "Rebels", but in reality, they are nothing more than extremists/terrorists who kill innocent Imperial citizens and military personal. The Terrorists ragtag group of rebels inhabit a really backwater planet called Lothal. These Rebels/Terrorists have been content to "operate" (A.K.A: Do nothing but keep their heads up their asses) in the Lothal system for the entirety of the first season! Star Wars Rebels has earned many awards of shame of "honor". The image below showcases several of the Awards that this show has earned. Synopsis The Show opens on an extremely backwater planet called Lothal, in fact it’s so backwater that if you asked someone on Coruscant about the Planet, they would just look at you like: "WTF bro, are you on Spice?". The only thing we know about this planet is that the capital city is called: "Capital City". So Ezra is in the city stealing from the Empire when his Spidey Sense starts to tingle (I refuse to acknowledge he can use the Force). Meanwhile, Kanan and his group of friends are also stealing from the Empire in the city and Ezra ends up stealing the shit Kanan and his friends had just stolen from the Empire (Does any of this makes sense to you? Of course not, thanks to Disney). Anyways, a chase ensues and they end up on Speeder bikes and they run around like idiots, then they exit the city, that's when a TIE Fighter starts chasing them, but due to the rule of common sense, they get saved by Kanan's friends who are flying their ship called The Ghost. After that, Kanan finds out that Ezra Bridger has Spidey Sense and takes him as his apprentice. So now Ezra is part of a band of Smugglers/Pirates/Terrorists "Rebels" who prey on the Empire. And that is what the show is about: Kanan teaching Ezra about his Spidey Sense, as well as stealing shit from the Empire. Later on in the show they take to becoming Terrorists who destroy Imperial ships and kill hundreds of innocent Imperial citizens. Main Characters (Mary Sues) Ezra Bridger Ezra Bridger is one of the main protagonists in Rebels, who also happens to be the reincarnation of Aladdin from the Disney movie: "Aladdin". In Rebels, this kid lives on the street because his parents were stupid and tried to rebel against the Empire, so they were taken away and most likely dealt with. Ezra is angry at the Empire because of it. For some reason, Ezra can use the Force. His ability to use the Force is minimal, and if he had lived in the days of the Republic he would have most likely not been accepted into the Jedi Order. Zeb Orrelios For some reason, Zeb is some sort of Mutant Wookiee thing, who closely resembles the Missing Link from Monsters VS Aliens. On a side note, Zeb is currently the only likable character in this show because he has a decent sense of humor. Thats about it. Had you there for a minute didn't I? Chopper This ancient Astromech Droid may look harmless and trustworthy, but C1-10P (Chopper) happens to be a douche to everyone, and quite frankly is of little to no use. Little Known Fact: His previous job was a porn star for "Reality Kings", "WatchMyTwilek", "Droid Sex Party", and "Live Nude Hutts, Unite!", recording his female colleagues for...uh..."entertainment". Hera Syndulla This Twilek is the hotshot pilot of the rebel team, and is an ex-stripper from Nar Shadada who was addicted to various forms of Spice. (She is such a bland character, isn't she?) Kanan Jarrus Kanan Jarrus is an ex-Jedi who was only trained up to Padawan level, mainly because of Order 66. Kanan was trained by a hologram of Depa Billaba, because at the time she was in a coma (See Shatterpoint). Kanan was not a very good student and he would most likely have never graduated to the rank of Jedi Knight. Also his real name is Caleb Dume... Which is code for Dumb. Sabine Wren Sabine Wren is a 15 year old girl who wears Mandalorian Armor that she stole from the dead body of a real Mandalorian warrior, she is also addicted to huffing spray paint. She thinks she is a badass of some sort, but really all she does is kill her brain cells by getting high on paint fumes, and spray paint other peoples property, making those people have to pay large amounts of money to have her vandalism removed. She also likes to bomb Imperial property for some reason. Also apparently able to move and jump around like Spider-Man even though she has no Force skills whatsoever. She's Ahsoka 2.0 and Ezra should kiss her in the finale. Main Characters (Bad Guys) Agent Kallus This bumbling excuse for an policeman is like an agent for the Imperial Security Bureau (Basically, the ISB is like the Star Wars version of the FBI/CIA). The only job Kallus had to do was to catch the idiots running around on Lothal, which he never had in the first place. The Inquisitor Hailing from Utapau, The Inquisitor is an Dark Side Force user who is tasked with hunting down Jedi and killing them. Unfortunately, he did not follow his master's training, so he is not really a threat to anyone. In fact, he has yet to even put a scratch on Kanan or Ezra, and it is for his failures that he was relieved of service to the Empire. He also has an utterly ridiculous Lightsaber that could not possibly function in any reality other than Imagination Land. His Lightsaber is supposed to compensate for his lack of fighting skills, which eventually leads to him decapitating himself. Stormtroopers These guys were once great and effective Soldiers during the days of the Republic, back then they were called Clone Troopers. But when the Republic became an Empire, their Soldiers almost immediately became incompetent idiots, for no logical reason other than Filoni's raging obsession with the principle of villanous marksmanship, even though it's something that happens across all media (yet you don't see anyone from those franchises obsessing over it) and the original trilogy was hardly the worst offender. Secondary Characters Ben Kenobi Yes, Ben Kenobi makes a cameo appearence in Rebels as a hologram. In fact, it's the same hologram he recorded in Episode 3 that tells the surviving Jedi to stay away from the Jedi Temple. He is regarded as the best animated character in this entire show. Lando Calrissian Lando Calrissian is a real cool dude, but in the show, he owns a farm, along with some sort of Space Pig thing that will go all Puffer Fish when it hears loud noises. Fortunately for Lando, he had a good relationship with Hera and Sabine. R2-D2 And C-3PO These two comic relief characters are two droids. They are used as special guests in a "feeble" attempt to get many of the Original Trilogy Fanboys to watch this pathetic show. Luminara Unduli She a Jedi Master during the Clone Wars. In Rebels, she is used as bait to capture those two idiot “Jedi”, Kanan and Ezra. It works, but they don’t stay captured for very long, mainly because the Imperials on Lothal are fucking idiots. Wilhuff Tarkin As the highest-ranking officer of the Empire, Tarkin is known as "The greatest Canon military genius in Star Wars". Unfortunately, his genius is toned down to service the pathetic plot in Rebels. Ahsoka Tano A 30 year old female Togruta who was the Padawan of Anakin Skywalker during the Clone Wars. At the time, she was only 15. She is Dave Filoni’s ultimate sexual fantasy well-known "creation", and many Fanboys love to Circle Jerk to this once Underage Character... but unfortunately, she started the Rebellion. Unfortunately, Ahsoka is no longer hot and sexy in this version of Star Wars. Bail Organa Yep, the fedora-tipping lowlifes of writers had shoehorned him into this. Somehow he is connected to the rebellion, but we never actually learn what his connection to the rebellion is. Kinda stupid and poor lazy writing if you ask me. WTF Moments 'Sabine Is a Mandalorian!' Apparently, Sabine Wren is being called a Mandalorian, only because she wears Mandalorian Armor and she’s sort of good in a fight and she likes to blow things up. Sabine is actually just a rebellious Teenager who vandalizes peoples shit. Clearly, she has no respect for other people’s property. 'The Inquisitors Lightsaber !' So this pretend Sith guy has this Lightsaber, but it has spinning blades, and a section that can be removed and used as Frisbee (for recreational purposes i'm guessing). If Lightsabers could be ever more retarded, then this is what they would look like! You can read more about his Lighsaber here 'Ezra Gets A Lightsaber Crystal!' So get this: There is like a Jedi Temple thing on Lothal where Jedi Masters would bring their Padawans to face their Jedi Trials. Can you spell “Convenient”? And guess what? Kanan takes Ezra there, and the child gets a Lightsaber Crystal. That is some Buttfucking, Ridiculously, Unbelievably, Convenient Bull Shit. 'Continuity? Dave Filoni says "Fuck You!"' Did you know that Disney once said that there are no breaches of Continuity in their Universe... So why does Ahsoka not look like the same person? Dave Filoni would never give a damn about the Continuity of other peoples creations, and it's obvious that he sure as hell doesnt care about the Continuity for his own creations... 'Apparently, no one can catch these people!' Not the local Imperials, Nor the local Governor, Nor the Special ISB Agent, Nor the Imperial Jedi Hunter Inquisitor person, Nor that top Military Officer responsible for the entire Outer Rim Territories with almost unlimited resources at his disposal, Not Lord Vader, the second most powerful Sith in the entire Universe EVER and certainly not these two new Inquisitors. And it's not like these Rebels go very far from Lothal either, because they don't. 'Established Characters Galore!' The first Season of Rebels has 13 Episodes, and in roughly 7 of those episodes, are appearances by characters from the Original Trilogy and The Clone Wars. Also in Season 2 so far, there are 10 episodes, and in 8 of them are established characters. There is nothing wrong with having special guests, but they are over doing it. It's almost as if they don’t think this show can survive on its own, so they are mooching viewers with all these special guests. And now it is confirmed that there will be more characters from The Clone Wars and the Original Trilogy in the Second Season. (Read more about the shows over realiance of established characters here) 'Original Trilogy References' One of the many things you will hear/read in almost every review of this show is "Its just like the Original trilogy" or "it feels just like the Original Trilogy" or "It reminds me of the Original Trilogy" and thats because the show is chalked full of subtle referecnes to the OT, why you ask? because thats how they get people to think the show is good. By constantly reminding people of the OT they give people nostalgia which takes them back to their childhood when they first saw Star Wars and how they were utterelly blown away by it, and since the OT was amazing and Rebels keeps reminding people of the OT that makes Rebels amazing... You can read more about the overuse of Original Trilogy references and special guest stars here! user624_1172442722.jpg|Yep Six main characters in the OT and Six main characters in Rebels user624_11724427221.jpg|Oh yes im sure not many picked up on this one! 2013-02-05-star_wars_yoda-e13600447955331.jpg|Nothing to say about this one! asdg.png|Its really kind of sad 1484204_743157875758582_8251961029699886298_n.jpg|Yes they do recycle dialogue from the Original Trilogy. millennium_falcon__2__by_satoleon-d6ff179.jpg|Here we can see where The Ghost got its overall design from. bandicam 2015-11-29 12-03-00-585.jpg|More OT references HOORAY... Han_luke_stormarmor.png|This shit is getting real old real fast... 1 (2).jpg|Another Fucking Reference! Ripoff.jpg|As you can see they just recycle design features from already existing locations. Season 2 Synopsis Season 2 starts with our "Rebel Friends" in the middle of a dog fight in Space. Apparently, they are trying to steal Shield generators from The Empire. They are being helped by the "Larger Rebellion" now which was formed before Season 1 and the main protagonists of this show some how got involved with them but we never see how just like we never saw how the mission they are doing in the opening scene begins, but that is beside the point. Anyways they are on this mission and two larger Imperial ships emerge from Hyperspace but they escape. Later the Rebels learn that the Minister lady of the Planet Lothal wants to defect so they go to Lothal to help her but the plan goes to shit and the Minister lady dies as a result of a trap, The Rebels transport off the planet is destroyed so they seek the help of Lando in order to get off planet. They are able to steal an Imperial Transport but not before they have an encounter with Darth Vader who does not end the Rebels existence right then and there because as we all know Vader is such a loving and compassionate person. So they go to Landos place on Lothal to get help and there they discover some meaningless little slum town was burned down, because as we all know the Empire is so Evil that they just burn down tiny slum towns...(Eye Roll. What a seriously shitty way to make the Empire look Evil...) Anyways they escape off planet but Vader tracks them and follows them back to the small Rebel fleet made up of Blockade Runners , when he arrives at their location he decimates their fleet in his Tie Advanced . During this conflict three Star Destroyers come out of Hyperspace and observe the situation and instead of getting involved and destroying the Rebel fleet right then and there they just let small Rebel Fleet escape as well as The Ghost and its crew along with Ahsoka Tano who flee to Tatooine (most likely). Oh and the Emperor orders Vader to dispatch a new Inquisitor to go after the Rebels as if this new one will fair any better than the last one... Mid Season We have been promised that the rest of Season 2 will follow a "Darker Tone", Yeah they threw in some Sith stuff and so that automatically makes it darker Tha Fuck Outta Here with that BS, we will also be given a new Inquisitor and Darth Vader will be returning along with Ahsoka Tano and we will also be treated to Darth Maul, Yoda, Mandaloriansand Twi'Leks from the Clone Wars (literally)... (WARNING FANDALORIAN RAGE) (Yes because that is just what we need more raping of the Mandalorian culture at the hands of the Certified Destroyer of Continuity and Franchises...As if it wasn't bad enough that they are now pansy smelling pacifist fa**ots we now learn that they bow to the wishes of the Empire)''' And we will also get to see an early version of Kylo Rens Lightsaber and supposedly a "Sith Temple" which will contain a "Sith Holocron". In addition to that we will see elements of the Pre-Disney Expanded Universe poping up in the show, we have already seen them use the Hammerhead-Class Cruiser from KOTOR as well as the Interdictor Cruiser we will eventually get to see a Quasar Fire-class bulk cruiser. Guess they aren't using that creative freedom they claim they needed... Main Characters (Good Guys): AP-5 AP-5 is a protocol droid that fought in the clone wars as a navigator but his master disappeared and now he works for the empire (Sounds firmilliar eh?). He's just an attempt to copy C-3PO and grab hold of Original Trilogy fanboys. Oh and I should also mention that apparently this Droid and Chopper both served on the same planet at the same time for the same battle during the Clone Wars, and then they meet up years later...WTF I guess they ran out of ideas for episodes. Main Characters (Bad Guys): "The Seventh Sister " This character is a new Inquisitor, she is a female mirialan which is the same alien species as Barriss Offee an her master Luminara Undul. So naturally Fanboys are jumping to the conclusion that this Inquisitor is Barriss Offee Who had turned to the Dark Side at the end of the final season of the Clone Wars, it is a very clever piece of marketing making her the same alien race so people would think it was her so they can boost viewership. This character is also a discount version of Darth Vader just look at he armor she wears very reminiscent of the Dark Lord himself. Oh and this person is also a Pedo, there was a scene in one of the trailers where we see her hitting on the 14 year old Ezra Bridger she is probably in her twenties. Way to promote family values Disney... She is very attractive and should have banged Ezra on that abandoned Medical Ship from the Clone Wars. "The Fifth Brother" This character is a Roid Rage Alien that is allegedly an Imperial Inqusisitor. His character is based off of rejected Episode 7 concept art (Seems like that's all this show is, just a bunch of Rejected and unused concept art). Never seems to do anything besides jobbing around. Secondary Characters: Captain Rex Was a clone Captain in the 501st Legion he was introduced in the Clone Wars TV Show. His one and only purpose in Rebels is to try and increase the seriously falling viewership of Rebels. He's also Filoni's mouthpiece for Stormtrooper Effect jokes, which he loves to cram into the show at every little chance. Commander Wolffe Was a Clone Commander of the Wolf Pack Squad which is Dave Filonis personal Clone Squad. This character was also introduced in the Clone Wars TV Show and he also serves only one purpose, which is to try and increase the seriously falling viewership of Rebels. Captain Gregor Was a Clone Commando he was created by Dave Filoni to replace the truly bad ass Commandos in Delta Squad. This character was also introduced in the Clone Wars TV Show and he also serves only one purpose, which is to try and increase the seriously falling viewership of Rebels. Hondo Ohnaka Was suposed to be some kind of savage Space Pirate, but he usually ended up helping the good guys. This character was also created by Dave Filoni and was also introduced in the Clone Wars TV Show. He also serves only one purpose, which is to try and increase the seriously falling viewership of Rebels. Princess Leia Yeah that's right, she is 15 but she looks and sounds like a fucking 20 year old. WTF Moments: Sabine Gets Shot in the Head and Chest but is Totes Fine! So Sabine shoots at Darth Vader in order to give Kanan and Ezra time to escape Vader but Vader deflects her two Blaster shots back into her Face and Chest, unfortunantly she survives. It is interesting to note that Sabine uses these same Blasters to shoot at Stormtroopers and they seemingly die but she gets shot by the same Blaster and she is fine, and its not because of Mandalorian Iron /Beskar because IT DOESN'T EXIST ANYMORE FUCKWADS!!!!! 'This Fat Boy can still fit into his Armor! ' How does Dave Filoni explain away this continuity breach hmmmm? There was no such thing as fat clone troopers , so how is he able to fit into his armor now? BTW it's still the same armor that he wore when he was a Clone and it has no modifcations to make it fit him either... '''Power Generators are a Rare Commodity in a Sci-Fi Universe! Thats Right because in a Sci-Fi Universe where literally everything needs power to function it makes total sense that Power Generators would be rare...It's confirmed by Lucasfilm and it's even said in the show, utter Osik ... ''' B-Wings are OP and we never see this ship again! Yeah so there is this B-Wing that blows up an entire Imperial Cruiser, and then we never see this ship again and we certainly do not see this ships power in the Original Trilogy. Sabine Wren was a Bounty Hunter! Because somewhere in between her being an Imperial Cadet and being a Rebel insurgent she was a Bounty Hunter, Dave Filoni does realize that Sabine is only 16 right? What did she spend a year at the Imp Academy then another year being a Bounty Hunter and then finally a Rebel...She is way to young to have done all this shit... The Force is Plot Convenient! So get this those two new so called Inquisitors can sense Force sensative babies in another star system but when they are in the same building with two Jedi they suddenly can't sense them. Oh and this goes both ways for the dark side and the light side. Oh and then there is the parts where the enemy could have easily used the force to prevent someone from escaping but they apparently forget they have the ability to do certain things even though we literally just saw them using the ability in the last episode, and this isn't just in one or two episodes every now and again IT'S IN EVERY FUCKING EPISODE... '''The Established Character Syndrome Continues! If you were expecting this show to not insert established characters so much in the second season then you must be dissapointed because they didn't stop if anything they increased. There are now more etsablished characters that have been in this show than there are Episodes in the first fucking season, that sure shows how much faith this shows creators have in it's ability to stand on it's two feet... We are going to see Darth Maul , Yoda and Anakin Skywalker as well as several other characters from the Clone Wars in the upcoming episodes, it's sad to see Star Wars being treated like this... 'Hyper Space Whales! ' Yes you read that right this show now has Mutha Fuckin HyperSpace Whales. Oh and apparently this is how people discovered Hyper Space now, I'll just let that sink in... 'You No Longer Need Space Suites To Survive In Outerspace!' ' ' In the old Universe you needed space suites to survive out there but not anymore. You know why the old way was good? It's because it made Star Wars believable, real, authentic now it's just some utterly stupid and unbelievable load of garbage. 'Tie Fighter's Need Better Visibility?!?!?!' Yeah I'll just let these pictures do the talking... 12371253 980968381977529 478076735288641791 o.png Dhdtfjk.jpg Can protagonists even die in this show!?!?! No main protagonists die in the first three season, only in season four does someone important die. That person was Kanaan and at least his death had meaning and stuff but still, it felt forced. Oh and in the final, only captain Gregor dies but since he barely even appeared in the show, his death had no real meaning or anything. Also main villains only die in the season finals. Maul was the only exception, he died in the middle of season 3. I get it, Disney wanted to make the show kid-friendly but seriously, even the 2003 Animated Clone Wars series featured more death. Season 3 Synopsis Thrawn arrives boiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii Characters WTF Moments: Can protagonists even die in this show!?!?! No main protagonists die in the first three seasons, only in season four does someone important die. That person was Kanaan and at least his death had meaning and stuff but still, it felt forced. Oh and in the final, only captain Gregor dies but since he barely even appeared in the show, his death had no real meaning or anything. Also main villains only die in the season finals. Maul was the only exception, he died in the middle of season 3. I get it, Disney wanted to make the show kid-friendly but seriously, even the 2003 Animated Clone Wars series featured more death. 'Episode Guide!' Season 1 Just a free little tidbit of Info for ya here, there are aproximately 80,120,000 people who get Disney XD in the USA which is the primary network that broadcasts Rebels. There are aproximately 96,400,000 people who get Cartoon Network in the USA which was the primary network that broadcast The Clone Wars. Also Season 1 of The Clone Wars got on average 2 million viewers per episode so just keep that in mind when you see the places with N/A in the TCW Viewers section... You can go read this article which I wrote in order to learn more about Rebels rapid decline in popularity. Season 2 'External Links' Star Wars Rebels Sucks The Facebook Page Star Wars Rebels Sucks The YouTube Channel Star Wars Rebels Sucks On Moviepilot Category:Things that ruined Star Wars forever Category:Failures Category:Epic Fail Category:Galaxies-class canon clusterfucks Category:Completely useless crap that people seem to think is awesome, cool, and useful Category:Things that didn't work Category:Propaganda Category:Nonsense Category:Reasons to get drunk Category:Ways to die Category:Fat pieces of shit Category:Morons Category:Words of Doom Category:Reasons planets are destroyed Category:FUCKING SHIT! Category:WTF Category:Evil Category:Things that make George Lucas cry Category:Victims of Darth Vader Category:Victims of Kyle Katarn Category:False Gods Category:Satan Category:Forms of torture Category:Forms of suicide Category:Havoc